Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

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xR25izGfrmQ


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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GET ME RUDY GIULIANI ON THE
PHONE. >> OH, HEY, MR. TRUMP.
WHAT'S NEW? >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S NEW,
RUDY? I'M BEING IMPEACHED.
IT'S THE GREATEST PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT OF ALL TIME.
I WOULD KNOW. I'M LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF
HARASSMENT. >> RELAX, MR. TRUMP.
WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
NOBODY'S GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT OUR ILLEGAL SIDE DEALINGS WITH
THE UKRAINE. >> GOOD.
>> OR HOW WE TRIED TO COVER UP THOSE SIDE DEALINGS.
>> GREAT. >> OR HOW WE PLANNED TO COVER UP
THE COVER-UP. >> RUDY, WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT
NOW? >> I'M ON CNN RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] LET ME PUT YOU ON SPEAKER.
>> RUDY, GET OUT OF THERE. AND WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY OFF
THE PHONE. I'VE GOT ANOTHER CALL.
WHO'S THIS? >> IT'S ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR.
>> I'M REALLY STARTING TO WORRY. >> WELL, STAY CALM, MR.
PRESIDENT. I KNOW THINGS LOOK BAD RIGHT
NOW. BUT I GOT OUR TOP GUY ON THIS.
>> GOOD. WELL, LET'S GET HIM ON THE
PHONE, TOO. >> HELLO.
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, HEY, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> RUDY, YOU'RE NOT STILL ON CNN, ARE YOU?
>> OF COURSE NOT. >> GOOD.
>> I'M ON THE "JOE ROGAN PODCAST."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> RUDY, HANG UP THE PHONE AND
GET OUT OF THERE. >> OKAY.
>> BILL, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO NEED SOMEBODY TO TAKE THE BLAME
FOR THIS. >> YES.
BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A SACRIFICIAL PATSY THAT WILL DO
ANYTHING YOU SAY? NOT IT.
>> DON'T WORRY, I'VE GOT THE PERFECT STOOGE.
>> HELLO? >> BIG MIKE, HOW'S CHURCH GOING?
STILL WAITING ON WHAT'S HIS FACE TO COME BACK?
>> YOU MEAN JESUS, SIR? >> YEAH, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] LISTEN, I'M JUST CALLING YOU
ABOUT THIS WHOLE UKRAINE WHISTLE-BLOWER THING.
IT'S LOOKING PRETTY BAD FOR YOU. >> FOR ME?
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROKE THE LAW.
>> WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T TRY TO DRAG ME INTO YOUR
MESS. [ CALL WAITING BEEP ]
HOLD ON, I'M GETTING A CALL FROM THE BOYS.
HELLO. >> DAD, IT'S YOUR SON.
>> AND ERIC. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> DAD, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA'S FOCUSED ON
YOU AND NOT ON THE CORRUPTION OF JOE BIDEN.
>> I KNOW. BY THE WAY, DID YOU TAKE CARE OF
THAT THING IN RUSSIA FOR ME? >> WHAT THING IN RUSSIA?
>> THE TREASON. >> ERIC!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CALL WAITING BEEP ]
>> HANG ON, BOYS, I'M GETTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL FROM THE
CHAIRMAN. CHAIRMAN KIM.
>> WAZZZUP! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANKS FOR GETTING BACK TO ME.
I NEED SOME ADVICE. HOW DO YOU HANDLE A
WHISTLEBLOWER? >> OH, THAT'S EASY.
YOU HAVE A BIG OCEAN IN YOUR COUNTRY?
>> YES. >> SEND WHISTLE-BLOWER TO THE
BOTTOM OF THERE. >> OH, RIGHT.
I WISH MY COUNTRY WAS AS COOL AS YOUR COUNTRY.
HANG ON. I'VE GOT TO TAKE THIS.
KANYE, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN MY MAN? >> A LOT BETTER, BRO, ACTUALLY.
YOU REMEMBER THOSE PILLS I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE, HUH?
SO IT TURNS OUT I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE THOSE EVERY DAY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD. >> ACTUALLY, THAT'S THE REASON
I'M CALLING YOU. I DON'T THINK WE CAN BE FAM
NO MORE, FAM. >> WHAT?
>> GIVE ME THE PHONE. ONLY IN AMERICA.
>> DON KING, DON'T TELL ME YOU DUDES ARE PARTYING WITHOUT ME.
IS RODMAN THERE AND TYSON TOO? >> YEAH.
WE WERE JUST HAVING AN EMERGENCY MEETING OF THE BLACK
WHACK-A-DOODLES. AND WE ALL DECIDED THAT THIS
WHOLE IMPEACHMENT THING IS HURTING OUR BRAND.
>> OH, DON'T BAIL ON ME NOW. I NEED MY URBANS.
[ LAUGHTER ] KANYE, JUST TELL ME YOU WHO WANT
OUT OF JAIL THIS TIME. ASAP ROCKY AGAIN?
OR HOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE GIRL TERIYAKI 69?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> LOOK FAM, WE GOT TO GO.
SAY GOODBYE TO THE DOUCHEBAG. >> YEAH, MAN.
TERRENCE HOWARD IS ON THE ROOF WITH AN UMBRELLA TRYING TO PROVE
THAT GRAVITY DON'T EXIST. ONLY IN AMERICA.
>> THIS WHISTLEBLOWER'S STARTING TO RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ME.
[ PHONE RINGS ] HELLO?
>> WHAT'S UP? >> JUDGE JEANINE.
THINGS ARE NOT GOING SO GREAT. I'M REALLY FEELING DOWN.
I COULD REALLY USE A PEP TALK. >> WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'VE
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. WHO'S MY SPECIAL BEAUTIFUL BOY?
>> I AM. >> WHO MAKES EVERY WOMAN'S EYES
POP OUT OF HER SKULL AND GO A-OOGA?
>> I DO. >> DAMN RIGHT YOU DO.
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT DUMPS LIKE A TRUCK TRUCK AND THIGHS LIKE WHAT
WHAT. >> THANKS.
I REALLY NEEDED THAT. THIS WHISTLE-BLOWER THING, IT
JUST WON'T GO AWAY. >> WELL, IF YOU REALLY WANT
SOMEONE TO GO AWAY, YOU KNOW WHO TO CALL.
>> RIGHT. THAT'S GENIUS.
I'LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW. >> HELLO?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YES.
IS THIS RAY DONOVAN? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> RAY DONOVAN THE FIXER? THE GUY WHO TAKES CARE OF STUFF
WINK WINK? >> I TOLD YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
RAY DONOVAN IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
I'M LIEV SCHREIBER, THE ACTOR. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, OF COURSE. RIGHT.
I KNEW THAT. BUT IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, COULD
YOU CONNECT ME WITH JOHN WICK? >> HE'S FAKE.
HE'S FAKE TOO, MR. PRESIDENT. >> WHAT ABOUT LIAM NEESON?
>> ACTUALLY, LIAM MIGHT DO IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> FINE. THAT'S GOOD.
I'LL GET HIM. PROBLEM SOLVED.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!


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