Trump Rally Cold Open – SNL

Trump Rally Cold Open – SNL

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO AND HELLO, NEW MEXICO.
BY FAR, MY FAVORITE MEXICO. SO GREAT TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT
CITY OF ALBACORE, TUNA CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES.
I CAME BACK FOR A SURPRISE RALLY BECAUSE I HEARD THEY'RE BUILDING
A WALL. ON THE BORDER OF COLORADO.
TO KEEP THE NEW MEXICANS OUT. CAN WE BRING OUT THE MAP,
PLEASE? AS YOU CAN SEE, MOST OF AMERICA
IS GOOD. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS THAT ARE
BAD OR LAKES. I MEAN, WHAT IF WE HAD PUT
CALIFORNIA IN THE OCEAN? THANK YOU, RAQUEL.
RAQUEL IS A FORMER MISS TEEN USA AND OUR CURRENT SECRETARY OF
ENERGY. AS YOU KNOW, MY LYING
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY CONTINUES. AND WHAT IS IT REALLY, FOLKS?
>> A WITCH HUNT! >> AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO?
>> NO COLLUSION. >> NO, THE NEW ONE.
THERE WAS NO — >> QUID PRO QUO.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. NO QUID BRO CODE.
THESE DEMOCRATS LED BY ADAM SHIFTY-SCHIFF, HE'S A REAL
SCHIFF-HEAD, A DEEP-STATE CONSPIRACY, AND TONIGHT I WOULD
LIKE TO BRING UP SOME OF MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS TO EXPLAIN
WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY.
FIRST UP, WE HAVE CHRISTINE FROM LOS CRUSAS.
>> YES, I AM. AND I'M PROUD YOU BROUGHT ME UP
HERE. >> I THINK YOU HAVE A COUPLE OF
TYPOS ON THAT SHIRT. >> NO, THIS WAS TAKEN VERBATIM
FROM ONE OF YOUR TWEETS, THEREFORE IT'S CORRECT.
THE WORDS NEED TO CHANGE, BECAUSE YOU SAID SO, SIR!
>> OKAY, EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE WHAT THE DEMS ARE DOING WITH
THIS IMPEACHMENT. >> THIS MAN IS UNDER ATTACK.
IT'S DEEP STATE LIZARD CONSPIRACY.
AND EVERYONE'S IN ON IT. THE CIA, THE FBI.
THE MIT, THE MOUSE. >> OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> NO, THANK YOU, SIR! >> OKAY, OKAY.
WHO'S NEXT? WHO'S NEXT.
>> I AM, SIR. I'M WITH BIKERS FOR TRUMP.
AND IF THEY TRY TO GET RID OF YOU, ALL OF US BIKERS, WE'RE
GOING TO RIDE. >> WHAT IF THEY DON'T TRY TO GET
RID OF ME? >> WE'RE GOING TO RIDE.
KIND OF THE ONLY THING WE DO. >> RIGHT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS TO ME?
>> I DO, SIR, BECAUSE I WATCHED IT IN A NEWS MACHINE.
ALL THIS MAN DID WAS SHAKE DOWN A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT TO GET DIRT
ON HIS POLITICAL ENEMY. I MEAN, IS THAT WRONG?
>> YES! >> NO, NO, NO, THE ANSWER IS NO.
>> SORRY, NO! >> I FORGIVE YOU.
I FORGIVE YOU. HERE ARE SOME SNICKERS AND JUUL
PODS. >> YEAH, HA-HA!
>> YOU'RE WELCOME. >> SIR, I LOVE YOU, AND I DON'T
CARE WHAT THEY SAY, I KNOW IT'S BIG.
>> LET'S GIVE ANOTHER PERSON UP HERE, PLEASE.
>> YES. YES, HELLO.
I LOVE YOU. AND I WORSHIP YOU AS THE ONE
TRUE WHITE LORD! >> THANK YOU.
WHAT KIND OF REAL NEWS HAVE YOU HEARD OUT THERE?
>> OH, YEAH, WELL, I HEARD THAT IF YOU READ THE TITLE OF
MICHELLE OBAMA'S "BECOMING" BACKWARDS, IT SPELLS ME MOCK
EBB, WHICH I LOOKED UP IN A WITCH THESAURUS, AND IT'S A
SYNONYM FOR ANOTHER WITCH WORD BACKWARDS, SNART.
AND THAT SPELLS TRANSBACKWARDS. >> MY LAWYERS TOLD ME NOT TO SAY
THIS, BUT IF I FIND OUT WHO THE AUTHOR OF IS OF "A WARNING," I'M
GOING TO SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE. >> AND I WOULD BE HONORED IF YOU
USE MY GUN. >> OH, NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU FOR COMING. >> WELL, THE EARTH IS FLAT AND
BEYONCE IS WHITE! >> OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
YOU, SIR, PLEASE. >> OH, THANK YOU.
>> SO GREAT TO SEE A YOUNG TRUMP SUPPORTER.
>> OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
THANK YOU. >> AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
NEW MEXICO? >> ISIS!
YEAH, I WAS A PRISONER IN SYRIA UNTIL LAST WEEK WHEN YOU FREED
ME, SO, I JUST WANTED TO SAY, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING JOBS
BACK. TO ISIS.
AND I PROMISE THAT I WILL MAKE ISIS GREAT AGAIN!
WHOO! >> TERRIFIC.
WHAT THAT GREAT GUY. ISIS IS BACK IN A BIG, BIG WAY,
FOLKS. AND WE LOVE THAT, DON'T WE?
OKAY. BUT, WAIT, WHO'S COMING UP NOW?
DID SECURITY VET THIS GUY? >> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW ME.
I'M LINDSEY GRAHAM. >> LINDSEY, I'M SO SORRY, I
THOUGHT YOU WERE A SCOOP OF ICE CREAM MELTING INTO A SUIT.
>> I'M SWEATING PROFUSELY ALL THE TIME.
EVEN MY BODILY FLUIDS ARE TRYING TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM ME.
>> I HAVE TO THANK YOU AND THE REPUBLICANS FOR ALWAYS DEFENDING
ME. >> WELL, I AM A TRUE SOUTHERNER
AND I STAND BY MY MAN. >> WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
SIR? >> MAY I DO A QUICK SOLILOQUY.
>> SURE. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
>> OKAY. I WAS ALWAYS A SHY CHILD.
I KEPT TO MYSELF MOSTLY. MY ONLY FRIENDS WERE MY GLASS
ELVES. MY MAMMA SAID, GO TO TYPING
SCHOOL, SO YOU CAN CATCH YOURSELF A GOOD HUSBAND, BUT I'M
JUST SO TERRIBLY SHY. WITH MY GLASS ANIMALS.
>> THANK YOU. THIS IS RARE AT MY RALLIES.
WE'VE GOT SOMEONE FROM THE TECH WORLD, TOO IN CONGRESS, IN THESE
CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS, HE GOT HIS ASS COMPLETELY OWNED BY AOC,
WHICH MEANS HE'S ONE OF US NOW. PLEASE WELCOME MARK ZUCKERBERG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO.
PROJECT. EYE CONTACT.
FRIENDLY LAUGH. HA.
>> MARK, I WANT TO THANK FACEBOOK FOR RUNNING OUR RUSSIAN
CAMPAIGN FOR US. >> HA!
FACEBOOK ISN'T PRO-RUSSIA, IT'S JUST NOT ANTI-RUSSIA.
HA! >> I'M SURE THAT NUANCE WILL
REALLY REGISTER WITH THE PEOPLE. >> LOOK, FACEBOOK ONLY CARES
ABOUT THE TRUTH. THAT'S WHY WE'VE CREATED AN
INDEPENDENT FACT-CHECKING REVIEW BOARD THAT'S EXTREMELY RIGOROUS.
>> OH, YEAH, I'M ON THAT. IT'S DOPE.
I LET EVERYTHING THROUGH. >> THANK YOU, ZUCKMAN!
>> ANGRY DAB! >> AND THIS GENTLEMEN HAS BEEN
WAITING PATIENTLY, ALL NIGHT TO SAY SOMETHING.
YES, SIR, PLEASE COME UP HERE. >> THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS ] YES, HELLO, AMERICA.
>> BILL CLINTON, EVERYBODY! WHY ARE YOU — BILL, WHY ARE YOU
AT A TRUMP RALLY? >> IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?
I JUST FOLLOWED THE PARTY. BUT, MAN, I WISH I WOULD HAVE
KNOWN THAT A PRESIDENT COULD BE ON THE ROAD LIKE THIS, DOING
RALLIES. CAN YOU IMAGINE?
OH, MY LORD, I WOULD NEVER COME HOME.
>> BUT, BILL, YOU KNOW I'M GETTING IMPEACHED, RIGHT?
>> YOU ARE? YOU DIRTY DOG.
>> NO, NO, IT'S NOT FOR THAT. THEY DON'T MIND WHEN I DO THAT,
TRUST ME. >> WELL, THAT IS PROGRESS.
>> OKAY. OKAY, THANKS, BILL.
I WANT TO BRING UP A NEW FRIEND OF MINE.
PRESIDENT ERDOGAN OF TURKEY. >> IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU,
DONALD. COME ON, GIVE IT TURKEY SOME
GRAVY. HA-HA.
DON'T WORRY, WE'RE TREATING THE KURDS REALLY WELL.
>> GREAT STUFF. ERDOGAN AND I ARE SUCH GOOD
FRIENDS NOW. >> YES, IT'S LIKE WHEN FRANCO
AND MUSSOLINI WOULD TAKE VACATIONS TOGETHER.
>> OF COURSE. SOME PEOPLE LIKE OUR GENERALS OR
THE GENERALS, AS I CALL THEM, ARE MAD THAT WE PULLED OUT OF
SYRIA. >> USUALLY PEOPLE ARE MAD WHEN
YOU DON'T PULL OUT. >> THE GUY'S INCREDIBLE.
BUT, AGAIN, I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FINANCIALLY FROM THIS
DECISION. >> NOW, HOW WOULD HE PROFIT FROM
THIS? HE'S A TERRIBLE BUSINESSMAN AND
VERY POOR. >> WELL, NO, ACTUALLY, I'M RICH.
>> YEAH, RIGHT, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE, 100 BILLION?
>> WELL, NOT EXACTLY, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY BILLIONS.
>> HE'S BEING MODEST. I'M SURE IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
SHOW THEM YOUR TAX RETURNS. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
STOPPING BY. >> AND WE'RE STILL WORKING ON
GETTING THAT DIRT ON BIDEN, BUT I WANTED TO THROW OUT THAT WE
COULD JUST MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR. >> NO, NO, WE DON'T WANT TO DO
THAT. >> ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S NOTHING BIG, WENT DO IT ALL THE TIME?
>> NO, NO, NO, BUT IT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO OFFER, REALLY.
>> OKAY, THEN, TURN THE OVEN OFF, BECAUSE THIS TURKEY'S DONE.
>> All: Live from New York, it's "Saturday night"!


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